Best Momisms by Vikki Claflin (and a book bundle giveaway!):Miriam Hendeles

My funny midlife boulevard friend, Vikki Claflin, author of award winning blog, Laugh Lines, has guest posted here today, and is holding a book bundle party. Check out her link during the next week and enter to receive a book bundle giveaway.

Vikki Claflin, author of Who Left the Cork Out of My Lunch, and I are co-

sponsoring a fabulous new book giveaway called “The Big Booty Book Bundle Giveaway!” It’s

FIVE books by talented female writers that will keep you laughing out loud. And it’s free! For

details and to enter, click http://thebigbootybookbundle.com

During the week of 2/22-2/26, my own book, Mazel Tov It’s a Bubby will be featured together with a few other books chosen by Vikki, in the Big Booty Book Bundle Giveaway.

Upon reading Vikki’s guest post below, I noticed that Vikki’s mom’s lessons were pretty similar to the lessons my own mom gave my sisters and me. The only difference is that I don’t always follow these rules. Oh well. And Vikki does! Check out her picture…she’s svelte!

(Maybe that’s why God gave me sons, ya think?) In any case, hope the following gives you a few laughs, if not wrinkles. (And Mommy Stern – that’s my mom – if you’re reading this, I hope you get a good laugh…Vikki’s in the same league as Erma Bombeck)

MOMISMS

By Vikki Claflin

Mom grew up in the 50s. She was slender, with a perfect, blonde beehive hairdo,

and smelled like Youth Dew from Estee Lauder (before the unfortunate change in formulation).

She wore slim skirts and stilettos, and always “freshened up” by fixing her hair and her makeup

before Dad came home. This was not a home that fostered tomboys. My sister and I grew up, not

surprisingly, to be girly-girls, with a love of fashion, makeup, and all things beautiful.

Sissy and I learned very early that beauty was work. One had to pay attention, so nothing slipped

through the cracks and pronounced us as “lazy” or “tacky.”

Beauty came with rules, and Mom knew exactly how to deliver them with the conviction of

Moses reading the Stone Tablets. With 6 kids at home (3 hers and 3 his), she had no time for

chatty mother-daughter discussions and lessons on how not to disgrace ourselves and ruin the

family name for future generations. Mom had a quick, dry wit, and a scathing sense of humor,

and she delivered most of her advice on the fly. One-liners or pithy instructions would

spring forth spontaneously at home, in the car, or in the produce department of the local

supermarket. At a young age, I learned to carry a pencil and a notepad in anticipation of her

sidelong glance that told me something I needed to know was forthcoming.

By the time we were in our teens, Sissy and I had memorized The Rules, through repeated daily

reminders from our personal Beauty Sherpa. Some have been easier to follow than others, and a

few are now more relevant to an earlier time, but at 70+ and still fabulous, Mom has a certain

credibility that can’t be denied.

Mentally reviewing The Rules the other day, lest I find myself dropping the ball, I wrote down

my favorites:

1. You have to suffer to be beautiful. I learned this one at 14, while getting braces put on my

teeth. 40+ years later, it’s about stilettos, Spanx, skinny jeans, and Botox injections. Some truths

never change.

2. At a certain age, a woman has to choose between her face and her hips. A little fat softens

facial lines, but you’ll have hips like battleships. Too thin and…

be smaller, but your face will be lined like a Texas saddle. (Repeat after me, “Life is not fair.”)

3. The difference between a beautiful woman and a not-so-pretty one is either God or a ton of

money.

4. Beauty comes from within, but the outside needs a little makeup.

5. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.

6. If you’re wider from the side view than from the front view, you’re definitely fat.

7. Walk lightly, and don’t tromp. You’re a girl, not a Clydesdale.

8. A woman is instantly judged by her shoes and her handbag. Economize somewhere else.

9. If you paint your nails, no chips. If you color your hair, no roots. It looks tacky.

10. If you keep frowning, your face will freeze like that. (Fortunately, Botox freezes it back.)

11. Keep your nails short.

12. Stand up straight. It projects confidence.

13. Never chew gum. People who chew gum look like cows chewing cud.

14. Whenever you’re trying to change something about yourself, be realistic. Only God can

make a tree.

15. A woman has the face God gave her at 20 and the face she’s earned at 50. Wear

sunscreen. And don’t squint.

16. Be sparing with cosmetic intervention. Your face should never look younger than the rest

of you.

17. When your makeup is done and you’re ready to go out, take half of it off. Less is more.

18. Look good when your husband gets home, and look happy to see him.

19. Get your hair off of your face. You look like a sheepdog.

20. SMILE. It’s the most beautiful thing you can wear.

Thanks, Mom, for these pearls of female wisdom over the years. Some make me think. Others

still make me snort-laugh out loud (which I know is terribly unladylike). But most of these have

stood the test of time and I’ll be passing them along to my granddaughter when she’s ready.

Until then, I don’t chew gum, but I still can’t master those stilettos.

Vikki Claflin
Author, Blogger

541-490-5200 | vikki@laugh-lines.net | http://laugh-lines.net | Hood River, OR

Vikki Claflin writes the award-winning blog, Laugh Lines, where she doles out irreverent advice

on marriage, offers humorous how-to lists galore, and shares her most embarrassing midlife

moments. She shows us how to master midlife with a little common sense and a lot of laughter.

Check out more of Vikki’s hilarious writing in her newest book,Who Left the Cork Out of My Lunch