This week my friend and I celebrate our first “learn-a-versary!”  (That’s the anniversary of when we started to learn together!)

Elena Polyak-Duke and I first spoke by phone on  July 7, 2020. We  are officially part of  Partners-in-Torah (PIT), a program that matches  up pairs of Jewish women from across the world to learn Torah over the phone.

Elena lives in Toronto and I live in L.A, and we’ve been learning consistently from  “Positive Word Power,” a book about the power of language to influence human relationships. Although we have not met each other in person, we feel like we have known each other for far longer than a year. We chat on text and WhatsApp (besides our weekly telephone learning), and have become good friends.

So how did it all begin?

Early last summer, a member of our community and  my good friend, Kaila Hollander, passed away. All who knew and loved Kaila here in Los Angeles were shocked by her sudden death. Kaila had MS for many years, and used a wheelchair, but her condition didn’t define her. At 59,  she was vibrant, funny, and independent.  She taught Torah classes in day schools and private homes and inspired all who knew her with her sense of humor and wisdom. As much as she must have suffered, she never  let on that she was in pain.  She was an integral part of our community, a friend and mentor to so many.

Unbeknownst to me, Kaila  had been studying with Elena for a little over a year before Kaila’s passing; they learned consistently (through Partners in Torah)  over the phone.  In late June, they spoke on a Friday afternoon,  and wished each other Good Shabbos.

Early the following week, Elena noticed  a post on FB that Kaila’s husband had posted about funeral and shiva information after his wife’s death.

Shocked and in disbelief, Elena went into denial mode.  Praying it wasn’t true, she left a  text on Kaila’s phone, “Hi, Kaila – how are you? Thinking of you…”

Kaila’s husband saw the text and called Elena to inform her of the news: Kaila had died early morning of July 1. What a shock!

That night, while our community was struggling with the collective grief about Kaila after the funeral I was browsing Facebook. I noticed a post with Kaila’s name and instinctively clicked on the link, and read words by a woman, Elena Polyak-Duke sharing  what Kaila meant to her and how she found out about Kaila’s passing. How overwhelmed she was with  sadness and shock.  She posted some pictures (see above) along with challah she’d baked for Shabbos. Reading her words, I teared up at her loss which was also mine and so many of my friends. I wanted to connect with her, but what would I say? Would I be intruding on her privacy?

I hesitantly messaged Elena, letting her know that I’d read and was touched by her post. That I was so sad about Kaila, my friend’s passing. Within minutes I received this response:

“Thank you for this message. Kaila was so special! I can hear her voice as well in my head….can we maybe chat one day? Would you be up for that?”

Elena continued: “I spoke to Kaila Fri June 26. We studied together that day just before Shabbat. …we would talk once a week every week…occasionally more…”

A few days later we connected for about thirty minutes. Soon we exchanged some articles that were written in Kaila’s memory. One piece, which Elena was interviewed for, was written by Judy Gruen, a writer and friend of Kaila’s.

Over the following weeks, Elena and I communicated and  reminisced  about Kaila, things she said to us, what we learned from her, her faith, her wisdom.

After a month or so, I received a message from Elena that she wanted to learn with me. Specifically,  she requested that we study from where she and Kaila had left off in “Positive Word Power.”

To say I was touched would be an understatement. Here, I was being asked to fill the shoes of my friend, Kaila, an educator and mentor par excellence. I wondered if I could give what she gave to Elena.  I said yes, comforted by the thought that our learning would be dedicated in memory of Kaila. We began learning the next day in late July, just a month after Kaila had passed, and a few weeks after we had “met” on the phone.

We clicked both in our learning and conversations. Every week we texted each other to find time that works for both of our busy schedules.  During our study sessions, we shared  stories of interpersonal relationships to support the examples and vignettes from the book. We offered  each other tips on getting along and using our words for kindness.

And after several months, Elena messaged me that she “nominated” me to her local Toronto chapter of PIT organizers to be an official Partner-in-Torah.  I didn’t expect that formal  status but of course accepted the nomination. We were official.

Becoming a bonafide  PIT member is a great perk because we receive suggestions for supplemental materials on themes  to study. Our relationship has flourished and the steady emails and texts  from PIT headquarters means we don’t want to skip a week, as hectic as life gets for both of us. Elena is a busy mom and teacher and I’m a grandmother and music therapist and we make it work.  I’ve brought my book along on flights to NY and learned on the plane and while sitting on a bench in my mom’s Brooklyn neighborhood. Elena fits in our learning between Zoom meetings, school, and other projects and responsibilities.

Through COVID, Elena has been a steady voice with whom I’ve commiserated  about lockdown and other pandemic struggles.  She’s  invited me to Zoom events online where women from her Toronto area baked challah together (She  is a master challah baker!), and we participated on other inspirational zoom Torah classes with women across the world.

Elena and I share a special bond that is Kaila, and together we are continuing her legacy of joy, learning, and Torah Judaism.

I’m so glad that I reached out  that day  to Elena and she responded. I feel Kaila OBM smiling down from Heaven. Elena and I agree that Kaila is calling out from above, with her trademark smile and her reassuring nod of her head, “Good job, you two!”

May the memory of Kaila Menucha bas  Dovid Yitzchok   be for a blessing.

Photos courtesy of Elena Poloyak-Duke