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The Recovering Slacker-in-Law: guest post by Rebecca Klempner, author of “A Dozen Daisies for Raizy”
The following Guest Post was written by Rebecca Klempner, my dear friend, writing buddy, fellow daughter-in-law, not-yet-mother-in-law, and mentor of all sorts of creative endeavors. Since Becca (as we call her) is a full-fledged mother, wife, and daughter-in-law with lots of young children at home, she offered to write a post from the dil’s perspective (for a change!) here on this blog! Read on… (and view her book cover below!)
For the first five years of my married life, I was a terrible, terrible daughter-in-law, but deep within me lay potential for a pretty good one. Today’s post will share a little of that story with you.
I had a completely justified reputation as a slacker in my teens, and hadn’t yet shaken my tendency towards underachievement by the time I married. I did pretty much everything wrong. I had unrealistically high expectations of my mother-in-law’s behavior.
These expectations were misguided on two counts:
- I based them on a fantasy of the absolutely ideal mother-in-law, which no one could possibly live up to. This paragon of mother-in-law-hood would take care of my every need and desire. And I expected her to read my mind to know what they were.
- My aforementioned needs and desires were based on largely on my own family and the personalities of the people in it. My mother-in-law is Egyptian-Israeli. She grew up first in Alexandria, then on an Israeli kibbutz. My own family is very, very American and very, very Ashkenazi. (Eastern European Jewry). Why would I expect my mother-in-law to be the same kind of mother-in-law as my mother, her mother, and all my great-aunts?
Meanwhile, I took very little responsibility for my own obligations towards her.
It was a recipe for disaster.
Eventually, I wised up. With the help of Rabbi Dr. Twerski (via his HaModia Newspaper articles and books) and Mrs. Sharon Shenker (via classes), I learned a few tips. I’m now firmly in recovery, Thank G-d.
Drumroll, please…
5 Tips for being a pretty good daughter-in-law:
- Write a list of reasons to love your mother-in-law. Start with that she bore your husband and raised him.
- Phone her every Friday afternoon before Shabbat (the weekly Sabbath), or at least once a week.
- Figure out what common interests you share. My mother-in-law and I both love to garden. I can even ask her advice about it (bonus points!).
- Drop all your expectations. If you really need something from her, tell her politely, but directly.
- Enlist the kids’ help. Take pictures of them and send via her preferred method. Send her their art projects. Ask them to make Chanukah and birthday cards. Encourage the kids to love and honor their Savta/Omi/Bubby/Grandma.
I might never make it to spectacular daughter-in-law, but pretty good is pretty good.
You can find freelance writer Rebecca Klempner on the web at http://rebeccaklempner.wordpress.com/.
B & W Photo Credit: http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=1465&picture=mother-and-baby
Photo Credit of “A Dozen Daisies for Raizy” – Hachai Publications
how can I get this post into email boxes of my daughtersinlaw (I have 4) w/o it coming from me? Mayb get it attached to shul newsletters? Thanx for putting the basics here so succinctly. mf la
The Guest Post was written by Rebecca Klempner (not moi). Thx for your comment. I am not sure this post is meant for a mil to even think about sending to dil. 🙂 🙂 That being said, here is the link. And you may share this link with your shul, if you wish…
http://bubbyjoysandoys.com/2013/01/24/the-recovering-slacker-in-law-guest-post-by-rebecca-klempner/
I definitely meant my post for the MIL who is also a DIL. But I’m flattered that you liked my post, Mfla.
Yes, all of us MIL’s are also DIL’s and we can read your helpful and wise post with an eye to becoming a better DIL. Thanks for the reminder Becca!
MIL, that’s me. DIL no longer as my MIL is no longer with us. It’s made me think that number one on your list should have been: attention daughter’s in law, imagine that one day you too will be a mother in law and act accordingly – now. 🙂 Good post, Rebecca 🙂
Thanks Mary for your thoughts. 🙂 Becca sure sounds like she was a much better daughter-in-law than she gives herself credit for IMHO.
(Thanks, Miriam for giving me the benefit of the doubt.)
I have to respectfully disagree with marymtf’s comment. Yes, I will–G-d willing–be a MIL one day. And I pray that my DIL will be lovely and kind.
BUT, my experience with my MIL has taught me that I can’t act towards her how I would expect to be treated. Because our personalities and cultures are SO different, what she wants and what I’d want are very, very different. I have to give her what she wants even if it would drive me crazy.
Plus, I think it’s important that we give love and attention to people just to connect to them, not with some agenda that through middah k’negged middah (the Jewish parallel to karma) that my own good behavior will bounce back to me some day.
Thanks for reading my post!
Yes- Becca – totally agree! Being a good MIL (and DIL) is all about not having expectations (just as you said in the post that you wrote!). Not having expectations is a result of knowing that everyone is different and comes from a different background and has different ways of doing things. Tolerance, acceptance, patience. It’s hard in some cases. In other cases it’s easier. Each case is different. Once a MIL and/or DIL has that perspective, then it makes things easier. That’s all part of not having an agenda – just as you said (agenda = expectations of what is to happen), and giving with zero strings attached etc. I do believe (but this is my own pet peeve) that the MIL is more “responsible” for setting the stage than the DIL. She’s the “adult” and she’s the one who needs to be the more mature one. But if she isn’t, then it’s just a test for the DIL. And visa versa. We can all just try our best. Boundaries are also super important. These were my experiences…everyone has different opinions. LOL> I can only speak for myself (hence my stories in my book :)). That being said, I don’t think I was a “good” DIL myself. And I never expected to have good DIL’s. I prayed and here I am blessed…so who knows? I prayed that I would BE a good MIL. (Not that I would “get” good DIL’s).
I do not even understand how I finished up here, but I thought
this post was once great. I don’t realize who you are however certainly you’re going to a
famous blogger for those who aren’t already. Cheers!